I am about to lose a very close family member. She’s been in my life for 10 years. She was supposed to be able to live another 5-10 years, but an illness is cutting that time short.

As I sit here typing this, I’m sadly counting down the hours that I have left with her. I have a little more than a day before she will go down to sleep one final time. It thoroughly and completely sucks that I know at what day and time that my baby girl is going to die. It also really sucks knowing that I can change that time and date with just one phone call, but I also know that all I would be doing is prolonging her hardship.

I’m writing this blog mostly for myself. I need to get some of this off my chest before I explode. I try to talk to my wife about this, but every time I open my mouth no words come out and I just start to cry. A grown man of 38 years old, finding myself constantly crying since I first talked to the vet yesterday morning and making this extremely hard decision. My baby’s not gone yet but I still can’t seem to stop myself from crying randomly. She’s been a very special kitty with a unique personality that everyone absolutely loves. I could live a dozen lifetimes and I doubt I would ever come across another cat that resembles her.

Since yesterday I’ve been questioning myself, asking myself if I’ve made the right decision. It all seems to have happened so fast. In a matter of 10 hours or so I witnessed her deteriorating. She’s had the occasional bad day, but she’s always bounced back. Is this just one of those times? Did I rush in this decision? Would I have even thought of making this decision if the vet hadn’t called yesterday morning to see how things were going? I know that she’s been sick and that her time was close, but I never expected it to be this close. Even if this was a bad day and she did bounce back, I know in my head that the time would be just around the corner. I know that wanting to spend more time with her is selfish on my part. But this is the kitty that never got sick, never had to go to the vet, and was supposed to outlive us all. She wasn’t supposed to go this quickly! This isn’t the first pet that I’ve lost. Growing up we had a few dogs and have gone through the process of losing them (both naturally and through euthanasia). In 2003 I had to put down Kali, the first pet I had as an adult (along with her brother Loki, who’s still alive today). She was only 4 years old. So I’m not inexperienced in losing a pet, but for some reason this seems to be harder to deal with. Maybe its only perception since it’s been 7 years since I last had to deal with losing a pet… who knows, my mind’s not thinking straight right now.

I’m trying to spend these last few waking hours with her, and I’m trying to be strong. But when I see what was once a very social, overtly friendly, very loving and energetic kitty be none of those things, I mentally know that her quality of life is slipping away and that this is the right decision. I can see it in her eyes that her mind and soul are still there, but her body doesn’t respond in kind; it has betrayed her. My heart is aching and my emotions are making me second guess my decision with each passing second. This is going to be a very long and rough 26 hours.